New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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