The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
only you would photoshop your dick
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
