i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
