Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize