sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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