just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize