I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize