I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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