so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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