your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
