My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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