at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
