Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
