I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
