They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
