Banned from zoo.
Again?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
