If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
