i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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