Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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