Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
