so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
