Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
