im about as happy as oj after his trial
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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