He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
