I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
