If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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