Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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