I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
