the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
