My friends, they love my intelligence
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
