I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
