so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
