i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
