I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
