listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
