if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
