The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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