This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He? As in you personified your dick?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
