She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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