Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
