Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
