remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
