How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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