Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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