You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
