i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
