The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
