I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
