I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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