In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
