i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
