I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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