i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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