I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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