sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
