i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
