So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They took my balls.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Couch. On fire.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
