when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
