Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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