SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
