I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I did not marry a roomba.
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